Happy Panic-Versary

This post was originally published on wakingupjess@wordpress.com on February 12, 2016. This is one of my most popular posts. It discusses my experience with first panic attack.

I’ve had it on my heart to share about an experience I went through a year ago. Last February 13th a traumatic event happened to me. It stirs up a lot of sad emotions in me, but it’s also a reminder of a huge truth God revealed to me through it.

No, the trauma had nothing to do with romance or lack of romance on Valentine’s Day…It was a Friday afternoon, and I was going to the doctor’s clinic to get my blood drawn for some tests (when I was really sick and at my lowest weight). Normally my mom would go with me, but she wasn’t able to that day. When I sat down in the chair to have my blood drawn, I was unsettled because of some troubling news I had just heard from a family member.

A man prepared my arm and tried to distract me. One moment I was telling him about my day; and the next moment I felt dizzy and told him, “I feel weeeeirrrrd.” He looked at me with a concerned face that told me I was not okay. He pressed a button, and I immediately heard over an intercom something like, “medical emergency team to floor…”. He bandaged up my arm real quick, and medical staff was flooding around me just as quickly as a fuzziness clouded my whole perception. It was the strangest sensation as I nearly fainted. But I remember being leaned back, forced to drink water, and being talked to by a nurse who wanted me to stay awake. I was terrified. As confused as I was, I still had a lot of thoughts running through my mind. I think I was wondering, “Am I going to die?” All I wanted was some comfort. Someone familiar to hold my hand and tell me I was going to be okay.

They put me in a wheel chair and delivered me to a recovery room. I was there for two hours: Staring at the ceiling, feeling helpless and lonely. When I was stable enough to walk, they took my blood and sent me home. The shock of the whole event was still over me when I got home. A wave of terror and uneasiness came over me, and my parents held me as I fell apart, sobbing and hyperventilating. I thought I was having a heart attack. What I didn’t know then was that I was experiencing my first real panic attack. The surge of adrenaline and feeling of possible danger sent my body into the first of many of these “attacks”.

The first thing I think of when I remember that day is how lonely and frightened I felt. How I wanted someone to hold my hand and comfort me. But the cool thing is that not long after that day, I saw a verse that said, “For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, ‘Do not fear; I will help you.’” (Isaiah 41:13). God is commanding us to recognize his comforting presence in our lives. And this verse impacted me so much because it literally says he is holding my hand. In fact, the Bible mentions the right hand of God 58 times in the Bible. Some of my other favorites are:

I have set the LORD continually before me; Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. -Psalm 16:8

My soul clings to You; Your right hand upholds me. -Psalm 63:8

You will make known to me the path of life; In Your presence is fullness of joy; In Your right hand there are pleasures forever.- Psalm 16:11

So even though that day kind of marks the start of a rough chapter in my life, it made me want to be more aware of God’s presence in the future. It has really helped me a lot.

Even a few days ago, I had a pretty severe moment of panic when I was in an airplane. I have never flown without my family before, and the instant the plane started moving I felt anxiety kick in. All the symptoms came. But I have learned by now that I’m never truly alone during the storms in my life. I chose to take deep breaths, take a gabba (a natural relaxing mind pill), and recite scriptural truths over and over. After about 20 minutes I was completely calm and I thanked the Lord for giving me the tools to get through my panic attack. Even though the seat to the right of me was empty, I liked to think that God was sitting there holding my hand.

God doesn’t come into our lives to take away our trials and sadness; but he holds our hand and gives us all that we need to get through the storms. My favorite scene to try and visualize now is when Moses was guiding the Israelites out of Egypt. There were mountains on both sides of them, dangerous waters rushing toward them, and an army behind them. I can only imagine how hopelessly terrified they must have felt. They cried out to God, but Moses said to them, “Don’t be afraid. Just be still and watch the Lord rescue you.” . . .Just be still. . . The Lord then literally parted the sea for them so that they could walk through it.

I want to challenge you to acknowledge God in whatever trial you’re going through right now. Stop trying to control and fix things on your own. Just be still, know who is fighting for you, and acknowledge his presence. Things can look terrifying when we’re fighting on our own; but God wants to hold our hands and walk us through our struggles.

“And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.”-  Matthew 28:20

(The photo on the left shows how sad I was in the recovery room that day. The photo on the right captures the joy and freedom I’m able to feel now.)

One thought on “Happy Panic-Versary

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